Fools Never Learn
by MehScrewIt
Summary: Set in the war era. Certain characters are still alive and battling Mevolent's forces, but don't be fooled, this isn't really story about war, but about friendship, and moreover, bromance. Dedicated to Greenshado.


**This is a one-shot. I was thinking about writing a Dexterkin for ages, but I was a bit too lazy to do so, but here it is! For readers of my other story, Little Thieves, I haven't forgotten it, I promise! It'll be updated soon.**

 **When I say Dexterkin, there won't be any active romance (okay, maybe there will be, but I'm just not going to write it).**

 **Dedicated to Greenshado, or Fay, or Dwíli, or whatever you want to be called. Did I thank you for the Sexter? If I didn't, thank you! :)**

 **All rights to Derek Landy.**

 **Enjoy, now!**

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The small of Dexter's back hit the tree with an almighty _thump._ Dexter groaned and slid gracelessly down the trunk of the tree, his top riding up, showing defined abdominal muscles, which were rumoured you could cut yourself on. He gingerly clutched at his left shoulder blade, wincing slightly. There'd be a bruise the next morning, he could tell. It wouldn't be a pretty sight. Right now though, it felt sprained. He glared in the direction of his rival mage. The mage was an elemental, not an adept. Okay. Okay. Dexter could work around that.

Stupid, _stupid_ man. What was the guy's name again? Something stupid. Something pretentious. Eagle Vipersting or something equally as laughable. _Stupid, pretentious_ man.

Dexter stopped cursing the idiot in his head and pushed himself off the tree trunk. Insults could wait, smashing the man's head in could not. He could see the fool's smug smile from here. His eyebrows were twitching in amusement.

"You sure you don't need any help down there?" an amused voice asked, sounding throughout the whole clearing. It was Larrikin, in all his brown-haired, dancing-eyed glory, sitting on a thick branch jutting out of the ancient trunk of an oak tree. He leaned casually as if he were at leisure, grinning a lazy grin. "I'm sure you have it all under control and all, but was it the best move to tell me to, quote unquote, 'sit tight in that tree'?"

"Shut it, Larry."

Larrikin squawked indignantly. "That's not my name and you know it!" Dexter could feel Larrikin pouting at the back of his head.

He smirked.

Suddenly, something hot and crackling glanced past his head, narrowly missing it. He frowned. It was a blazing fireball.

Right, the elemental. No getting distracted, Vex. He turned to face his opponent full-on.

The man smirked. "Did you forget about me? Pity it didn't scorch your head right off, I would've preferred that."

Dexter shrugged amiably. "Well, it didn't. What can I say? You're easy to forget about. It must be the story of your life."

The elemental's smirk turned into an ugly scowl. How easily offended he was. "When we rule the world, when we open the portal for the Faceless Ones' return, you will die. You will die screaming horribly, whereas I, I will live. I will be up there with Mevolent and his three generals. The Faceless Ones, they-"

"Yes, the Faceless Ones this, the Faceless Ones that. We will all die, our minds will snap, etcetera, etcetera. You lunatics really need to come up with some original material. It's getting quite old now." Dexter didn't even know why he let the fool ramble on that far. It was all very repetitive, death this, destroy the world that, all the same.

The man glowered. Without warning, he lobbed another fireball at Dexter.

Dexter dived to the right and swore, the fireball skimming his left shoulder. His poor left shoulder. It was getting abused today. Maybe he could soak it in a poultice to ease the pain when he got back to camp. Erskine was good at poultices; Dexter would ask him, or better still, Anton – he had a knack for it.

He came up in a roll and glared at the man. He didn't even bother with the name.

The man's hand snapped outwards, sending a solid wall of air towards the place where he was crouched.

This time, Dexter dove to the left, coming up into a roll, his feet immediately slapping the ground, running full-pelt at Viper's-wing, or whatever he was called. Stupid man.

Sniper's-sling clearly panicked, snapping his fingers again and again, lobbing multiple fireballs at him, which Dexter neatly dodged.

He was gaining on Wipe-this-thing fast, the distance between them closing rapidly. In a last ditch-effort, Tiger-swing tried twisting out of the way, but wasn't quite fast enough. Dexter landed two punches, one in each eye, before Jiberling could react.

Wiperking fell backwards, hands over his eyes. He grimaced and lashed out suddenly, boot to knee.

Dexter swallowed his cry of pain and smashed his fist into the side of the other man's face. Was it Vipersting? It was probably Vipersting.

Vipersting cried out in anguish. There had been a crack and Dexter was willing to bet Vipersting's cheekbone had crunched inwards.

Vipersting smacked Dexter the upside the face. He followed up with a punch to the solar plexus.

Dexter was dazed by the slap and was driven back slightly by the punch, but wasn't winded. Vipersting, however, was clutching his fist to his chest, moaning softly.

"What are your bloody abdominals made of?" he groaned.

Dexter shrugged. "Muscles?" he said. He caught another oncoming punch, twisting and throwing his opponent over his hip, to the floor.

Vipersting tried to stop his fall, landing on his elbow instead of his back. He screamed in pain as his collar bone popped out. He tried to get up, give him credit, he tried.

Dexter raised his eyebrows. "So you want more?"

"The Faceless Ones," Vipersting spat, "they will rule. You will tremble, you will-"

"Yes, yes." Dexter knelt on the man's back, pulling his arms behind him.

Vipersting screamed.

"Sorry about your collar bone," Dexter shrugged, "but in my defence, you were attacking me."

Vipersting was silent, probably seething and glaring a gaping hole into the ground.

"Your defence needs work," Dexter offered.

"Shut up."

Dexter shrugged again as Larrikin came bounding over.

"Well, you did pretty well by yourself." Larrikin grinned. "I'm sure it would've been easier if I was there too."

Dexter shrugged.

"I'm starting to think you're trying to get my attention, Dexter, doing all these things alone when I'm in sight." Larrikin batted his lashes, his eyes dancing with amusement. "I guess I _am_ very attractive."

"Now don't you go getting an ego too. We all get enough of it from Skulduggery."

"What?" Larrikin shrugged. "I can't help my beauty."

Dexter snorted. "Very funny, Larrikin. You still haven't told us the rest of your name you know. What Larrikin? Larrikin what? There's a blank."

Larrikin just smirked. "That was a smooth change of subject, Dex. You're learning."

"You still haven't answered my question, you know."

"You still haven't answered mine." Larrikin tilted his head to the side, one side of his mouth lifting slightly.

"You didn't technically ask a question." Dexter opened his mouth to say more-

"You know I'm still here, right?" a muffled voice said.

Oh right, Wipe-this-thing – he meant Vipersting.

Vipersting lifted his head of the ground, spitting dead leaves out of his mouth, an expression of distaste on his face. "I'm still here, and I'm bored to death. So if you would kindly stop flirting and take me to the bloody camp already, it'd be greatly appreciated." He dropped his head back onto the floor with a soft _thwump_.

Larrikin snorted down at him. "Of course sir, right this way."

Dexter helped the prisoner get to his feet, pulling the rope tighter around his wrists. "Come along now. This way." He pulled Vipersting by the arm, walking out of the clearing into the forest, roughly west. He looked back over his shoulder. "Coming?" he asked his comrade.

Larrikin grinned. "Of course." He waited until they were at optimum distance before running full-pelt towards them, a massive grin adorning his face. "Here I come!" He lifted both arms above his head then brought them down, the rest of his body with them. He flipped from his hands to his feet, from his feet to his hands. He somersaulted multiple times, bent both his arms and pushed off one final time, flipping himself over to land on Dexter's shoulders with a slight "oompf!". He leaned over his faceand grinned.

The upside-down grin looked slightly odd to Dexter, but then again, Larrikin was an odd soul – that's what Dexter liked about him. He shook his head. "You child. You absolute child."

"Me?" Larrikin gasped. "Me? A child?" Dexter could sense Larrikin's hand going to his chest theatrically whilst he faked fainting. The drama queen. He was an absolute drama queen. "I am an adult, I'll have you know! Over one hundred years old, thank you very much."

"Yes, yes," Dexter said, amused, "but with the mentality of a five year old."

Larrikin squawked and flapped his hands about uselessly. "How dare thee?" He jabbed Dexter's head with his finger.

Dexter rolled his eyes. "Saying archaic words won't make you any older, Larry."

"It's _Larrikin._ Come; say it with me, _Lar – Ri - Kin._ Not that hard, is it?"

Dexter snorted. "No. No it isn't."

"Exactly!" Larrikin exclaimed.

"You'll be the death of me, I swear it."

Larrikin ruffled Dexter's soft fair hair. "Aw, I love you too."

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 **(I just find I love Larrikin sooo much for some odd reason.)**

 ***clears throat* I hope you guys liked it :)**


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